Being a father myself, I can relate to Rene's deep sorrow. Reposting it here, part of the travels and journeys of being a parent. Condolence once more, Rene....
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HOW DOES one deal with losing a son? The
terrible truth is, there is no way of “dealing” with such a soul-shrivelling
tragedy. The grief is so overpowering that the best one can hope for is to
snatch occasional glimpses of the world beyond the enveloping gloom so that one
can at least function. Some days you can do this; most days you can’t.
The writer Joan Didion once wrote, “Grief,
when it comes, is nothing we expect it to be.” That’s not actually true. Every
parent has doubtless imagined -- in fearful, unguarded moments -- the horror of
losing a beloved child. Every parent has an idea of what it might be like. It’s
just that no parent can possibly be prepared for the emotional nuclear bomb
that goes off should the unthinkable ever come to pass. No parent can be
prepared for the silent scream that reverberates unendingly in your mind.
One of the things this does to us is blast
away the belief all we parents share that, amid all of life’s uncertainties, we
can be certain of at least one thing: that we will die before our children and
that they will live full lives after we’ve gone. In our minds, we will thus
have seeded the future with better versions of ourselves. We might hope that
our children will perpetuate a few memories of us and at least some of the
values we might have lived by. Perhaps, even, on certain cold December
evenings, they might entertain their own children with stories of how their
grandparents were silly or crazy or (maybe once in a while) curiously wise.
Somehow, that gives us a sense of immortality.
I really do not know how to deal with
losing my son Mikah. A card from a sympathetic friend contains the line, “If my
passing has left a void / Fill it now with remembered joy.” Indeed, Mikah’s
passing has left a dark, gaping void. So, though I cannot remember without
intense pain, I do fill my days with rememberings because it is all I am able
to do. Deep in my subconscious, I suspect, is the desperate hope that, if only
the pain is great enough, he might come back.
I remember of course some “highlights” with
great pride -- like, for example, Mikah taking his school all the way through
to the televised finals of the National Science Contest (for sixth-graders) or
his being awarded an Oblation Scholarship by the University of the Philippines
for obtaining the highest scores in the UPCAT (UP College Admission Test) or
his graduating at Diliman with a degree in Applied Physics or his playing at
events like the Fete de la Musique with his bands and at gigs where they’d
launch their own CD albums.
Mostly, however, I remember clutching him
to my chest when he was little and feeling his heart beat as he fell asleep,
picking him up from school and holding his small hand in mine as we walked
along school pathways to the car, having conversations with him (about
anything) at the dinner table. I remember riding with Mikah in his car and
listening to him point out the nuances of the music that was playing on the
radio (“Count five beats, not four, Dad”), hearing him pound his drums and
practice with his metal band at home as he started out on his fascinating
musical journey, observing him frown at his computer as he worked out the logic
on a complex piece of programming code. And, mostly, I remember the feeling of
hugging him while saying, “See you later, Mikah,” every time he would walk out
of our door.
Mikah gave us -- his mother Carmela, his
sister Sarah, and me -- tremendous joy. We felt privileged to know from up
close his rare combination of genius mind and compassionate heart. He seemed
born with knowledge beyond his years. He was talking at eight months. As he
grew, he read everything he could lay his hands on, processing stuff from
science books to history tracts to fantasy novels into perceptive insights that
filled his fabulous brain. Along the way, he acted as counsellor to his
friends, financially helped less fortunate cousins, pampered his many dogs, and
took in neglected rabbits.
