Pinoy Jokes, Part 1

Mga makabagong kasabihan (from Doods Salvador)

A. General quotes

- Ang sakit ng kalingkingan, kailangan ng alaxan.
- Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na.
- Better late than pregnant.
- Its better to cheat than to repeat.
- Pag di ukol, di bubukol...siya ay baog.
- Kung may isinuksok, may mabubuntis.
- Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto.. muta lang yan.
- Kapag ang puno mabunga...mataba ang lupa.
- When it rains...it floods.

B. Corny Edition

- Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.
- Beyond the clouds, are airplanes.
- Lagi nasa huli, ang matangkad.!
- Ang magkaibigan, saan man makarating, uuwi din.
- Ang iyong kakainin, sa kaldero mang-gagaling.
- Ang taong nagigipit, sa bumbay kumakapit.
- Kung kaya ng iba, ipagawa mo sa kanila.
- Hindi baleng tamad, di naman pagod.

C. Kagandahan Edition

- Aanhin mo ang ganda, kung wala ka namang Papa?
- Kung gusto mong maglandi, tiisin mo ang hapdi.
- Talbog ang matigas na tinapay sa tigas ng muka ng nagmamagandang inday.
- Mabait man daw at magaling, ang chaka chaka pa rin.
- Aanhin ang maganda, kung di naman malandi.
- Aanhin ang gwapo, kung mas malandi pa sayo.
- Ang lalaking mabilis maglakad, may hinahabol na gwapo.
- Aanhin ang sexy at magaganda - kung katabi naman ako :-)
- daig ng kati ang hapdi.

D. Ang di marunong...

- Ang di marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, sa call center naglipana.
- Ang di marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, matigas ang leeg.
- Ang di marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, may beke (or goiter).
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Ano'ng hayop ang...

Palaging olrayt -- Ox.
Palaging durog or bangag -- Hyena.
Palaging nahuhulog -- Dog!
Palaging tinatawag ng mga movie directors -- Cat!
Paborito ng mga politiko -- Croc.
Pangit -- Cow.
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Jokes from Raoul Abreu.

Lolo: Astig ngipin mo hijo, parang exam.
Apo: bakit lolo?
Lolo: One seat apart.
Apo: Kayo din lolo, ngipin nyo astig, parang test.
Lolo: bakit hijo?
Apo. Fill in the blanks.

Man 1: Kumusta mga anak mo?
Man 2: Panganay ko doktor, pangalawa nurse, pangatlo, yong inaanak mo, electrician, ang bunso magnanakaw.
Man 1: Haaa, bakit di mo pinalayas ang bunso?
Man 2: Heneral kasi sa AFP, malakas kumita, hehehe.

Kapag balisa ka, Relax.
Kapag inis ka, Smile.
Kapag may problema, Pray.
Kapag walang pera, Think of me.
Bakit? Kasi di ka nag-iisa.
Ang pera ko, parang Coke.
Kung hindi Sakto, Zero.

Girl 1: Nakipag break ka daw sa bf mo?
Girl 2: Oo, di kasi marunong mag-kiss. Isang style lang ang alam.... flying kiss pa!

Sa isang botika...
Man: Isang condom nga miss.
Salesgirl: Size sir.
Man: (pabulong) small lang miss.
Salesgirl: No sir, size pesos ang isa.

Reporter: Bakit ka dapat iboto?
Pacquiao: Mabuti ang bagong katulad ko, wala pang sungay.
Reporter: in English?
Pacquiao: Well, I'm brand new, I'm not horny yet.

Benefits of exercise?
1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit jumps and jops but lives only 15 years max.
4. A turtle doesn't run, walks very slow yet lives up to 450 years.
To hell with exercise!

A famous inspirational speaker said:
"Best years of my life was spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife."
Audience was in shock and in silence.
He added, "She was my mother."
Applause and laughter.
A top manager tried to crack this at home.
After a drink, he said loudly,
"Best years of my life was spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife."
Standing for a moment, trying to recall the 2nd half, he later blurted out, "I can't recall who she was."
When he woke up, he was on a hospital bed recovering from burns of boiling water.

A man buys a lie detector ROBOT which slaps liars. He tests it at home.
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school.
Robot slaps the boy.
Son: Ok, I lied. I went to the movies.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Toy Story.
Robot slaps boy again.
Son: Ok. It was porn.
Dad: What? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was!
Robot slaps Dad.
Mom: Forgive him dear. After all, he's our son.
Robot slaps mom!

At a drugstore...
Woman: Give me some arsenic!
Pharmacist: What for!
Woman: to kill my husband!
Pharmacist: I can't do that!
She reached into her bag, pulled out out a photo of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife and handed it to him.
Pharmacist: You didn't say you have a prescription!

Husband: Yesterday, a sexy girl came in my dream. What a girl she was!
Wife: She must be alone.
Husband: How do you know?
Wife: Her husband came in my dream.

Husband: Honey, you are the music of my life.
Wife: Really, why do you say that?
Husband: Because you have a Flat nose and a Sharp tongue.

A priest at Forbes Park once commented:
"When I start the mass and see the congregation, I ask myself, where are the poor? After mass, when I see the collection, I ask myself, where are the rich?"


Q: Ano tawag sa batang mahilig sa regalo?
A: Gifted child.

Man 1: Pare, tinatakot ako ng misis ko, humihingi ng sustento.
Man 2: Di ba matagal na kayong hiwalay?
Man 1: Yun nga eh. Pag di daw ako magbigay, babalik daw sya sa akin!

Mrs.: Honey, bago mo ko naging asawa, ilan ang chicks mo?
Mr.: Seselos ka lang, hwag na.
Mrs.: Sige na!
Mr.: Kulit mo ah. O sige. There was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ikaw, then 7, 8,...

Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Patient: Wala na bang pag-asa dok? Ano pa pwede ko gawin?
Dok: Meron pa. Mag asawa ka ng pangit at bungangera.
Patient: Gagaling po ba ako don?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!

Erap: 5 ang kabit ko ngayon!
Chavit: Magaganda ba at seksi?
Erap: Oo, at magkakamukha sila.
Chavit: Magkakapatid?
Erap: Hindi. Pare-parehong mukhang pera!

Anak: Tay, meron ba tayong kamag-anak na mahirap?
Tatay: Meron, pero di ko kilala.
Anak: Eh kamag-anak na mayaman?
Tatay: Meron, pero di tayo kilala!

Quote: Money is relative. More money, more relatives. :-)