Pinoy jokes, Part 2

(1) Customer: Miss, may wi-fi ba kayo dito?
Iba-iba pero magpi-pinsan na mga sagot:

a. Jollibee/McDo cashier: Wala po sir. Meron lang kami apple fi at mango fi.
b. Pan de Pidro, Pan de Manila cashier: Wala po sir. Meron lang kami tina-fi.
c. Pizza Hut cashier: Wala po sir. Meron lang kami pizza-fi.

(2) Restaurant owner: Bakit mabilis maubos mga toothpicks natin?
Waiter: Ewan ko Sir. Kasi ako pag gumagamit ng toothpick, binabaliki ko rin dyan.

(3) Customer: Ano ba naman itong toothpick nyo, iisa na nga lang ang dali pang mabali.
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo sir, ang dami ng gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang nakabali.

(4) Learn Spanish:
1. I love my lawyer -- Yo te amo mi notario publico.
2. My girlfriend is a deodorant model -- Mi amiga es el modelo del tawas.
3. My friend failed the medical exam -- Mi amigo es albolaryo.

(5) Learn Japanese:
1. Is this your car? -- Otomoto?
2. This is my car -- Otokoto
3. What's your opinion? -- Kuro-kuro mo?
4. Speechless -- Wasabi
5. You a regular customer? -- sukikaba?
6. Thin -- purobuto
7. Handsome -- kamukhako
8. Ugly -- kamukhamo.
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(Note: all photos of cats here are from www.funnycatpix.com)

Some classic jokes

Wonderful school quotes:
- Don't dare talk in front of my back.
- Both of you three, get out of my class!
- Why are you so late? Say Yes or No.
- Take 5 cm wire of any length.
- I have two daughters, both girls.
- All of you, stand in a straight circle.
- Quiet! The principal just passed away!

BF to girl's Dad.
BF: I want to marry your daughter.
Dad: Do you have work?
BF: I'm a theology scholar.
Dad: Can you afford a wedding?
BF: God will provide.
Dad: What about a house, raising a family and kids' education?
BF: God will provide later.

Dad walks upstairs, wife asked,
Mom: What's the plan?
Dad: The guy is poor, shameless and he thinks I'm God!

When a male judge makes love to a woman, it's called Honorable discharge.
When a male congressman makes love to a woman, it's called Congressional insertion.
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More text jokes from Raoul Abreu:

Lovers' motto:
Do not do unto others
What we did last night.

Man sitting at home drinking cold beer with his wife beside him, says "I love you."
Wife: Is that you or the beer talking?
Man: No, it's me talking to the beer.

One spelling mistake can destroy a life. A husband sent this text message to his wife:
"I'm havin a wonderful time. Wish you were her."

Q: Why do men cheat and lie to their wives?
A: Because it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

They say that as women grow older, they live a more pious life.
Paayos ng mata, paayos ng mukha, paayos ng balat,...

DOM: Inday, will you marry me?
Inday: Yes!
DOM: Thank you Inday. I promise you will be the apply of my eye.
Inday: Ok lang dong, you will be my bread and butter.

Couple having sex...
Girl: Ancelmo, Ohhh Ancelmo!
Man: Lintek ka, sinong Ancelmo?
Girl: Gago! Ang cell mo, nasa pwet ko, nagba-vibrate!

Hyatt Hotel, Singapore

The last time I went to Singapore was late last January this year. I was one of the panel speakers in the "Think Tanks' IPR meeting", held in Hyatt Hotel in this city. The event was organized by Prof. Julian Morris of Buckingham University, London.

My room was nice, I liked it. The bed was huge, and good, wide working area, with complimentary internet connection. If I have a speaking engagement and a good working area, chances are I will stay more time there than in my bed. And that was exactly what happened.

Nice and wide, flat tv. But as usual, between working and writing my presentation (ie, cramming to add more content to my powerpoint) and watching tv, the ratio between the two, for me, is something like 10:1 :-).

Nice, shiny bathroom. I like staying in the bathtub for a few minutes with lukewarm water. To relax, or to ponder on some of my powerpoint slides :-)

The hallway going to my room. Nice. With my work cramming then, I did not even check the hotel's swimming pool, etc. Only the lobby, restaurant, the seminar room, and my room, argh!

I thanked Julian profusely for the opportunity to speak during the forum and stay in this nice hotel.

Pinoy Jokes, Part 1

Mga makabagong kasabihan (from Doods Salvador)

A. General quotes

- Ang sakit ng kalingkingan, kailangan ng alaxan.
- Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na.
- Better late than pregnant.
- Its better to cheat than to repeat.
- Pag di ukol, di bubukol...siya ay baog.
- Kung may isinuksok, may mabubuntis.
- Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto.. muta lang yan.
- Kapag ang puno mabunga...mataba ang lupa.
- When it rains...it floods.

B. Corny Edition

- Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.
- Beyond the clouds, are airplanes.
- Lagi nasa huli, ang matangkad.!
- Ang magkaibigan, saan man makarating, uuwi din.
- Ang iyong kakainin, sa kaldero mang-gagaling.
- Ang taong nagigipit, sa bumbay kumakapit.
- Kung kaya ng iba, ipagawa mo sa kanila.
- Hindi baleng tamad, di naman pagod.

C. Kagandahan Edition

- Aanhin mo ang ganda, kung wala ka namang Papa?
- Kung gusto mong maglandi, tiisin mo ang hapdi.
- Talbog ang matigas na tinapay sa tigas ng muka ng nagmamagandang inday.
- Mabait man daw at magaling, ang chaka chaka pa rin.
- Aanhin ang maganda, kung di naman malandi.
- Aanhin ang gwapo, kung mas malandi pa sayo.
- Ang lalaking mabilis maglakad, may hinahabol na gwapo.
- Aanhin ang sexy at magaganda - kung katabi naman ako :-)
- daig ng kati ang hapdi.

D. Ang di marunong...

- Ang di marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, sa call center naglipana.
- Ang di marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, matigas ang leeg.
- Ang di marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, may beke (or goiter).
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Ano'ng hayop ang...

Palaging olrayt -- Ox.
Palaging durog or bangag -- Hyena.
Palaging nahuhulog -- Dog!
Palaging tinatawag ng mga movie directors -- Cat!
Paborito ng mga politiko -- Croc.
Pangit -- Cow.
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Jokes from Raoul Abreu.

Lolo: Astig ngipin mo hijo, parang exam.
Apo: bakit lolo?
Lolo: One seat apart.
Apo: Kayo din lolo, ngipin nyo astig, parang test.
Lolo: bakit hijo?
Apo. Fill in the blanks.

Man 1: Kumusta mga anak mo?
Man 2: Panganay ko doktor, pangalawa nurse, pangatlo, yong inaanak mo, electrician, ang bunso magnanakaw.
Man 1: Haaa, bakit di mo pinalayas ang bunso?
Man 2: Heneral kasi sa AFP, malakas kumita, hehehe.

Kapag balisa ka, Relax.
Kapag inis ka, Smile.
Kapag may problema, Pray.
Kapag walang pera, Think of me.
Bakit? Kasi di ka nag-iisa.
Ang pera ko, parang Coke.
Kung hindi Sakto, Zero.

Girl 1: Nakipag break ka daw sa bf mo?
Girl 2: Oo, di kasi marunong mag-kiss. Isang style lang ang alam.... flying kiss pa!

Sa isang botika...
Man: Isang condom nga miss.
Salesgirl: Size sir.
Man: (pabulong) small lang miss.
Salesgirl: No sir, size pesos ang isa.

Reporter: Bakit ka dapat iboto?
Pacquiao: Mabuti ang bagong katulad ko, wala pang sungay.
Reporter: in English?
Pacquiao: Well, I'm brand new, I'm not horny yet.

Benefits of exercise?
1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit jumps and jops but lives only 15 years max.
4. A turtle doesn't run, walks very slow yet lives up to 450 years.
To hell with exercise!

A famous inspirational speaker said:
"Best years of my life was spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife."
Audience was in shock and in silence.
He added, "She was my mother."
Applause and laughter.
A top manager tried to crack this at home.
After a drink, he said loudly,
"Best years of my life was spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife."
Standing for a moment, trying to recall the 2nd half, he later blurted out, "I can't recall who she was."
When he woke up, he was on a hospital bed recovering from burns of boiling water.

A man buys a lie detector ROBOT which slaps liars. He tests it at home.
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school.
Robot slaps the boy.
Son: Ok, I lied. I went to the movies.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Toy Story.
Robot slaps boy again.
Son: Ok. It was porn.
Dad: What? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was!
Robot slaps Dad.
Mom: Forgive him dear. After all, he's our son.
Robot slaps mom!

At a drugstore...
Woman: Give me some arsenic!
Pharmacist: What for!
Woman: to kill my husband!
Pharmacist: I can't do that!
She reached into her bag, pulled out out a photo of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife and handed it to him.
Pharmacist: You didn't say you have a prescription!

Husband: Yesterday, a sexy girl came in my dream. What a girl she was!
Wife: She must be alone.
Husband: How do you know?
Wife: Her husband came in my dream.

Husband: Honey, you are the music of my life.
Wife: Really, why do you say that?
Husband: Because you have a Flat nose and a Sharp tongue.

A priest at Forbes Park once commented:
"When I start the mass and see the congregation, I ask myself, where are the poor? After mass, when I see the collection, I ask myself, where are the rich?"


Q: Ano tawag sa batang mahilig sa regalo?
A: Gifted child.

Man 1: Pare, tinatakot ako ng misis ko, humihingi ng sustento.
Man 2: Di ba matagal na kayong hiwalay?
Man 1: Yun nga eh. Pag di daw ako magbigay, babalik daw sya sa akin!

Mrs.: Honey, bago mo ko naging asawa, ilan ang chicks mo?
Mr.: Seselos ka lang, hwag na.
Mrs.: Sige na!
Mr.: Kulit mo ah. O sige. There was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ikaw, then 7, 8,...

Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Patient: Wala na bang pag-asa dok? Ano pa pwede ko gawin?
Dok: Meron pa. Mag asawa ka ng pangit at bungangera.
Patient: Gagaling po ba ako don?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!

Erap: 5 ang kabit ko ngayon!
Chavit: Magaganda ba at seksi?
Erap: Oo, at magkakamukha sila.
Chavit: Magkakapatid?
Erap: Hindi. Pare-parehong mukhang pera!

Anak: Tay, meron ba tayong kamag-anak na mahirap?
Tatay: Meron, pero di ko kilala.
Anak: Eh kamag-anak na mayaman?
Tatay: Meron, pero di tayo kilala!

Quote: Money is relative. More money, more relatives. :-)